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Days when I let pain define my life become isolating and dark. Tears run down my face and I feel defeated. Frustrating, negative thoughts fill my head. I waste hours feeling sorry for myself while laying in bed. There have been many days I've wallowed in self-pity and let pain define my life. Anxious thoughts take over my mind. And all I can think about is the pain. With anxious thoughts 💭 panic attacks form, I can't breathe, my chest hurts, and I fall asleep from exhaustion with tears in my eyes while being held by my worried husband.
Some days the pain defines my life and takes over. Opening a juice container with both my hands while stiff and aching from the nerve damage is a challenge. Every little thing I do hurts. Taking a bath hurts. Picking up my child hurts. Snuggling with my husband hurts. Chronic pain and nerve damage just sucks, period. The constant pain is endless.
Sometimes in the mornings, I can tell if I will have a hard day or not. I wake up with a terrible headache that goes into my neck. My body is so stiff I canbarelyy get myself out of bed some mornings. Trying to not think about the pain I decided that Lilly and I would head to my classroom a bit earlier to prepare for the day And stay distracted.
The kids are so funny and cute. It was my first time in awhile feeling like I belonged somewhere and felt productive again. Going back into teaching has been such a positive distraction from the pain. It is very rewarding to watch my daughter participate in class and interact with her classmates.
This evening my pain level is definitely at a nine. My feet are in pain. Almost like someone is pricking me with needles. My neck, arms, upper back, and even lower back are on fire right now. I am already in bed. Unable to get up. This is how a bad day looks for me.
People ask me all the time how I am feeling, if I am making any improvements—they are super sweet for asking and wondering. I usually say yes, I am feeling better or I have less flare up days. Which depending on the day, week, or even month, this could be true. I am not lying. But I am realizing my chronic pain and flare ups are so unpredictable. Yes, I have been learning new ways to cope and deal with my chronic pain.
Just add that to your busy schedule and thought process day in and day out. Most days the pain is always with me no matter what I am doing, where I am, or who I am with. And having to think about how to have a “normal,” productive day.
Both my hands right now feel like they are going to fall off. I wouldn't wish nerve damage or chronic pain on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. Love the life you have, people. Life is crazy and full of surprises. All of this has definitely been a surprise. But I'll get through tonight, maybe with a few tears, but I will wake up stronger and more appreciative of this precious life.
Days when I stand up to the pain my life is filled with more joy and light. I keep myself busy doing positive and productive things for myself and family. I forgive myself and let go of what I can not control. Not allowing the pain to control me is a much better way to live. The pain has brought me to tears many times but has also made me a stronger and better person.