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What Am I Supposed to Say?

Depicting what living with a mental illness can sometimes be like.

Hello, I am Cassie and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am 25 years old and have been suffering from various mental health issues since I was 13 years old.

It has been a long road to figuring out what is ‘wrong’, I’d say I am only at the start of my journey of recovery.

I like to write, whether it be journaling or poetry, to try and release all my emotions and feelings. Writing actually helps to process these emotions.

Borderline Personality Disorder is not one of the ‘curable’ mental illnesses; I will have to learn to cope, survive, and hopefully, eventually thrive while living with this illness.

This is a ’slam’ poem I wrote last week, it really depicts how I feel when I am having a ‘low’ day - which happens a lot more than I’d like.

In the future, I hope to have less of these ‘days’. One day I hope to look at this poem and think, “Wow, I actually haven’t felt like that in a long time”. One day. Currently, I am just taking it step by step and hoping for the best.

Anyone that is reading this and who is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, or in fact any mental illness really, I hope you can one day thrive and have learned to love yourself. In reality, that is what humans really want and need – love.

Please read, and understand but ultimately, learn that those of us with mental illnesses want and need understanding, compassion, comfort, and love.

We are NOT our illness. We ARE human, just like everyone else.

I hope you enjoy my poem but it does deal with some issues and phrases some people may find concerning and/or trigger so, please take care reading.

‘What am I supposed to say?’

I turn to poetry and music for inspiration, to find some creativity to fill the utter desperation; wanting to hide away from that meaningless emptiness that stays.

I constantly want to cut, or burn, just to feel something, just to hurt.

Nothing is ever good enough – what I do or say.

I’m constantly disappointed in myself and by others – that’s not okay.

Every day I feel like this, every day is the same.

I like people but I hate people, I don’t know who I am; I am alone but don’t want to be lonely, I don’t know who I am.

All of this because I was hurt as a child, a teenager and more; I've lost count of the traumas.

All I've experienced is hurt, why do I have to hurt even more?

Dying is easy, it'll take away the pain but I'm too scared it won't work; every day I feel like this, every day is the same.

I feel angry, sad, fear empty all at the one time; I'm never really happy, it all feels like a mountain to climb.

I’m never safe. Constantly on alert. Constantly scared. It’s always there, the emptiness, no one even cares.

Fill it with food till I’m sick, exercise till I faint, alcohol till I pass out, and pills till I numb from the inside out. Does anyone actually want to ‘be there’?

They are all wrapped up in their own little worlds, with their own pain and their own problems. No one ever shares.

Sharing your story can mean saving a life, if one person is helped then it’s worth all the strife.

I’m constantly disappointed in myself and by others – that’s not okay.

Every day I feel like this, every day is the same.

People ask, “How are you?”, “Oh, I’m okay” … what am I supposed to say?

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What Am I Supposed to Say?
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