Transformational Experience

Changes

The scariest part of living is passing through phases and changes of growing older. The child grows in a young adult, learning their bodies, developing their ideas, and trying to determine who they are. The caterpillar becomes the butterfly but what happens to the butterfly when its wings grow weak and the colors fade that once made that butterfly special and unique? Does the butterfly wither and slowly die or does the butterfly change and become something more beautiful? As time passes what happens when the butterfly decides that it no longer wishes to be a butterfly or was never really a butterfly?

A girl of fifteen slowly grows into a young woman and the changes the girl goes through in the process are at times scary, painful and heartbreaking. The type of woman the girl will become is not decided by the girl but by circumstance and society. Choices made in a fraction of a second last a life time. A life the woman cannot seem to alter. Choices she will never be able to change or make again forever marked in time and carved into the fabric of time.

The woman goes through life until one day she wakes up from the cocoon she has made of her life. She looks at her reflection in the mirror and no longer recognizes herself. The person staring back at her is not who she wants to be. The butterfly is no longer visible. Wings are bent and twisted distorting the beauty and reflecting an endless pit of darkness. Joy that was once in her life and defined her existence has turned to dust that clings to her soul hiding the brilliant and vibrant colors from her view.

She sees herself growing old, weathered by unhappiness and the wrinkles that have mark her skin gradually over the years now reach deep to her bones. The bones that once supported her, that gave her a stable base to face the earthquakes and hurricanes that have passed through her days and nights are tired and weak. Bones that are weakened by time and nature threaten to break no longer able to bend. Her body is fat and heavy, years of living captive unable to soar carefree. She cries when alone when no one can see, she walks in the rain trying to hide her sorrow. The sorrow no one sees or feels. They never take the time or spend the effort to look, afraid of what they might find. The gray sky is as comforting as a long time friend understanding but cannot comfort or support her. The grey skies weep with her. Tears and rain fall together. The heavens feel her pain and anguish, trying to wash away the dust that has collected over the years but only turns the dust to mud. The heavy mud weighs down her heart and soul like a hundred pound weight smothering her until she can longer breathe, can longer move. She is imbedded in a tomb while still struggling to live. Trapped, unable to move she feels like she is dying; her wings have broken and fallen away to nothingness. Every day it is the same struggle to breathe, to move. Every day she hides her pain while everyone goes on not seeing the turmoil she bares and suffers within silence. Silence screams with no voice.

The woman knows she is no longer the butterfly and once again the changes come. The pain is ten fold that of when she was a child. The heartache is so great that the heartache of youth is but a pinprick compared to the heartache she feels now. People look at her now and cannot understand her. The ones closest to her see her changing and they fight against it, holding her back wanting her to be what and who she always was forever the same never changing. New wings begin to grow, the color has changed, their shape is different and she flies in a new direction with a new propose. She thinks different thoughts, she wants different things, and she is a stranger in other people's eyes. They cannot see that she needs to change, that the time has come. If she cannot change she will wither and die like a rose left to long on the vine with no water or sun. Her children have grown and left her behind like a broken toy from childhood. Her usefulness to them is over. They have grown their own wings and can fly on their own. She finds herself fighting against the waves of change that threatens to break her and drowned her in its wake.

Her husband looks at her and no longer sees the woman he once loved. She looks at him and wonders why she loved him, if she ever loved him. They are strangers to each other. He refuses to accept the changes, tries to hold her back to make her unchangeable. They want different things. She is tired of being the creature she forced to be. Tired and anger full of rage for being trapped and not allowed to change her form, her colors, she screams so loud but he refuses to hear. He fails to listen, deaf to sirens surrounding and growing in volume. He fails to see. He no longer touches her, leaving her with no touch to the world she use to know. The change is coming and will flow over him and crush him if he does not allow it to take shape and follow its natural course. He does not understand and refuses to hear her pain. She will out grow him if he cannot accept the transformation in her. He tries to hold her to stop the process that she is going through. He is not strong enough and she does not want what he wants any longer. She breaks down the walls and bars that he holds around her.

She stands at the crossroads, no longer a child or a young woman. No one tells her what to expect. No one can prepare her anymore now than they could in her youth. Middle age has come without warning without directions. Heat so hot ice cannot cool. Chills shake her and cannot be calmed. The cycle is endless, continuing on and on driving her crazy. Her mood changes from one moment to the next, happy and loving then sad, angry, and cold. Small things bother her to the point that she wants to destroy the world around her and not care. She is destroying her world. She wants to destroy everything and begin again. She is born again. She is older and wiser. She is strong and independent and no longer wants to be held and coddled in a room of cotton. She rages and screams and fights the demons inside her. Demons that want to control her. There is more than one voice that speaks for her now. The demanding and strong voice that is fighting to live and the passive voice that she has listened to for most of her life are battling inside her, fighting to be in control to win the war. Passive cannot fight the determination of the strong and fall into nothingness.

She will start again. New wings grow so she can fly. Through the battle of pain and loss she will emerge a stronger beautiful if only older butterfly. The wrinkles she can live with for the wrinkles are a testimony of time and a road map of her life. The bones weakened still have strength and power deep inside and will hold her up. Her body slims not to what it once was in the glorious days of youth but beautiful to those who love her. Chains are broken by the force of her will. She faced another change and even though her life is forever changed her life will continue. She will live fully and be free. Her children are gone, her husband has left for they do not know how to accept the new being after her transformation. The being that has hidden in fear is no longer afraid. She can look in the mirror and see beauty. Once again joy can be seen shining from the eyes that are peaceful and calm. She can smile now, the change is done. She can see that her life is not over. She can feel love and be at peace with who she is. She can still fly.

Deanne Jensen
Deanne Jensen

I love to write. The one thing I don't like writing about is myself, ironic because that seems to be the one thing I do write about. I'm 53 and married for last time. I walk for stress release. I love Matchbox 20 the music fits me.

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