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I have brought you here today to bring attention to the fact that we have had a human right taken from us. We once had right, to do as we please, but that all changed once the sourpusses got hold of what we were doing. They whine and dine with their cheese, saying that “it is not good for us,” and “can harm our health.” Well, I am here today to snuff out their illegitimate complaints. These pessimists do not understand the beauty of human addiction, the kind of relationship that we gain as we go on. But thanks to them, we have had this constitutional right taken from us; our torches of freedom are extinguished. We cannot publicly smoke cigarettes anymore.
Think back to the time—a brilliant time—in which we men and women were allowed to take a drag whenever we damned well pleased. We were offered to be seated in a smoking or non-smoking section or part of the apartment complex; though I did not agree with the segregation, I kept quiet. I knew my place. Now if the idea of “what if’s” had been circling my brain, just like that beautiful ring of mist emitting from my lips, maybe I would have done something to prevent the oppression that we smokers are shown. We are allowed to have nice appetizers before we begin a meal, a nice hot towel in our hotel rooms, but we are not allowed to have a pleasurable cigarette? Why is it so wrong to prefer a nice low-calorie cigarette instead of ordering a fattening sundae for dessert?
Most people do not realize this, but smoking keeps the weight off. This point is proven that when someone disgracefully quits smoking, they gain weight. Why would anyone ever want to gain weight? Everyone knows that being fat is not healthy. Some pessimists object to the aspect of addiction, but in retrospect, it honestly is a thing of wonder. How could something possess us humans unless it is sent from the gods? Smokers never have to buy perfume because all of their clothes, hands, homes, and cars will all have that wonderful ash fragrance. That smell can bring back so many memories, whether it is of your deceased grandfather smoking his pipe while you are on his lap, to a bright campfire over which you and your lover shared your first kiss over. It hypnotizes you, capturing you with the flame of the torches of freedom.
Smoking is therapy. Honestly, it relieves stress and anxiety. If I’m on edge about something, then a cigarette needs to be in between my fingertips. I used to pull out a cig in my local Starbucks, but now I am asked to leave. What, I cannot use a cigar to calm myself as I look at the endless possibilities of coffee that just instantly labels a girl white? Fine. I do not need any kind of damn coffee to satisfy my needs; I have my handy-dandy notebook of cigarettes. I can whip them out any time. Smoking helps to calm the nerves, you know? If you’re shaking about a test in your third hour, why not take a stroll to the bathroom around the corner? No one will find out, and then you will be so chill it’s like your brain is not even there!
People complain too often that smoking is bad for people, that it makes them “unhealthy” or some other kind of clean shit that they say. I cannot even pay attention. They say that there are sixty-nine chemicals that can kill you or something; it robs you of some of your good cholesterol; that it increases the likelihood of blood clotting; and it makes you seem hostile toward those around you. But do you know what I hear come through those chapped and smooth lips of the do-gooders? That there are thirty-one chemicals that help you; that it takes away some cholesterol that can harm your body and brain; that it makes it so that blood clotting does not happen; and that it allows you to enjoy your good puff in peace. Who cares that four hundred forty thousand people die prematurely each year due to smoke-related causes? Billions of other clean people are in the world, right? It’s okay, I mean…
Oops! Excuse me, I had one of my coughing spells. It is strange; the spells are becoming more and more persistent lately. Odd. I guess those spring allergies are back. Or is it the winter ones? Oh well, I would love to tell you more about all the other reasons as to why smoking is good, but I have to go bleach my teeth white now.