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Whenever I imagine an older person trying to be cool I envision someone saying "yo yo yo" while they flail and cross their arms like a rapper from the 80's. Except instead of looking like a cool ass hip hop artist they look more like someone having a fit and sounding like a total dweeb. OK, maybe that's just me since that is exactly what my father did while I was growing up. My friends would come over, mostly dressed in XXL t-shirts and Phat Farm jeans on, and there would be my dad Yo Yo Yo'n and arm seizuring all up in their face. And never, not once, did any one of those friends say, "Damn your dad is cool".
So as I approach my early (to mid) thirties I find it imperative to stay as cool as I possibly can for as long as I can. Sadly when it comes to the vocabulary of our future leaders, I am noticing more and more that I am months behind new words, text acronyms, and dance trends. However, thanks to reliable sources like my niece and nephew, urban dictionary, and of course the plethora of information I gain from watching MTV, I am able to keep somewhat up to date (and yes I still tune into MTV even at the fine age of 33, Teen Mom for life yo)! Without these outlets I would of had no idea how to do the Dab or what the hell the acronym FOH (f*uck Outta Here) stood for.
Well no more embarrassing moments for this chick because after writing this piece I now have the knowledge of an 18-year-old and I'm about to hook you up too. Like the Notorious B.I.G. said, "If you don't know, now you know." See, I really am cool!
Meaning: acronym for Greatest Of All Time. Used in a sentence: Yo, that party was GOAT bro. My opinion: If I ever hear someone tell me what I did was GOAT, I'm pretty sure I'll punch them in the face. Sorry.
Meaning: 100%. Used in a sentence: I'm a Hundo P down for a smoothie girl. My opinion: Well seeing that it took me five minutes to actually use that in a sentence, I am not going to waste another second on this ridiculousness.
Meaning: acronym for Joy Of Missing Out. Used in a sentence: I'm experiencing major JOMO right now. My opinion: Just when I started using FOMO they have to go switching it up. So basically every time my husband gets stuck with the super shitty diaper thanks to my daughter, I should run around saying JOMO! JOMO! JOMO!
Meaning: rather than having a slutty chick on the side (side piece) you have a smart girl on the side (think piece). Used in a sentence: That girl so smart, I'm gonna make her my think piece. My opinion: Any "piece" he has means he is a cheater, so take your cheatin' ass and your stupid slang and get lost.
Meaning: the guy you want to date/hook up with, his penis. Used in a sentence: I can't wait to get me some of that wishbone. My opinion: I love everything about this word and hope it becomes as popular as bootylicious.
Meaning: a girl's menstrual cycle. Used in a sentence: I'm not leaving the house, it's Shark Week. My opinion: While there could be some confusion during actual Shark Week, I am not opposed to this reference.
Meaning: relationship. I refuse to put this into a sentence because I cannot accept the fact that people are actually using this. It sounds asinine.
Meaning: bored and hungry. In a sentence: I'm so borungry I could cry. My opinion: Why couldn't we just stop at hangry which is actually funny why did we have to go and combine two words that sound nothing alike and try it again? I know why, because some people are just stupumb. Not sure what that means? You wouldn't because I just made it up, it means stupid & dumb.
Meaning: to take a poop. In a sentence: I have to call you back mom I'm logging out. My opinion: Logging out will forever remind me of my dial up AOL account I had in 1998. A time where in order to use my phone I had to log out of my inappropriate chat group. So to use it instead of pooping or shitting just seems wrong and disrespectful to my youth.
Meaning: to be cool or admired. In a sentence: The new Michael Kors clutch is so aesthetic. My opinion: Ughhhhh, WHY! Why must you take perfectly good words like COOL and even DOPE and replace it with something so out of context. That is not how aesthetic should be used and chances are if you say aesthetic you are NOT aesthetic. Sorry, boo!