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From a young age I knew something was odd about me. I could never quite deal with emotions or distinguish one from another. They all always felt like too much for me to handle. I never expressed this issue and as I got older, I started to notice that I would take everything out on myself. Whenever things go wrong or become too much I slip away in my mind. To an outsider, I'm zoning out but on the inside, I'm picking on every little aspect of myself and cutting myself down more and more. A few years ago I finally spoke up, however that just resulted in tests and misdiagnoses over and over until finally it was figured out. I am living life with borderline personality disorder but mine is just quiet. As opposed to the way BPD typically presents itself, I lash in and not out, making my symptoms harder to detect and treat.
According to my doctors, not many people with the 'quiet' form of BPD get treated in time; it's usually detected too late. I caught mine just in time. By this point my life was spiraling out of control. I couldn't balance anything. I was completely destroying myself from the inside out. I would drive myself so crazy in my mind that I'd get physically sick or end up hurting myself to release pain or distract myself from what I like to call "my crazy". I was calling out of work sick and not performing well cause everything effected me. I lost all my friends and was pushing away the only man who, despite "my crazy," still wanted to love me. I ended up homeless, jobless and lifeless. But I did not give up; I sought out the help I needed.
These days I am doing better, but I do still slip into my moments; I'm currently learning to cope and deal with it. I am now back at work and living with the one man who never gave up on me. Although my issue is silent and most would never think anything is wrong with me at all, I do struggle everyday. I now practice tons of trainings to help me learn and deal with emotions. I'm constantly reminding myself to be kinder to myself and not listen to the Negative Nancy in my head. I am stronger then her. They call my mental illness 'the silent killer' because that's exactly what it is. I was silently sabotaging my own life. I was silently killing myself and no one ever noticed. If I had never spoken up, no one would ever have noticed.
I now know there is hope for me and that help is out there. I'm writing this for the ones who are struggling in the same way but don't yet have their voice. Speak up. Help is there. You will be OK and trust me, you are not broken or an alien; you are human, just a little different. You feel more intensely then others and blame yourself, but it is not your fault; your brain is just wired differently. So yeah, I'll probably be in recovery for the rest of my life but at least now I understand me, and everyday I'll work towards a better me; I hope that you will, too. Life with quiet BPD isn't hopeless, so long as you just speak up. And remember, no matter how you feel or make yourself feel, life is beautiful. You are beautiful. ☺