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I think this all began hiding my true self when I was a small child. My parents smothered and controlled me from the day I was born. They worked hard to try to keep coloring within the lines. When we went to visit family, they made sure I didn’t touch things or move around a lot, scared I might break things. They’d even get mad if I asked for something to drink without it being offered to me. This was the beginning of my silence. I began right then and there stuffing myself down for the sake of making other people comfortable.
Even when I began withdrawing into myself by teaching myself crocheting, needlepoint, drawing, and writing, I was criticized. People we visited would make sweet comments about my creative endeavours and how I had to always had creative stuff with me everywhere I went. My mom would unknowingly belittle me with a comment like, "Oh yeah. She can’t go anywhere without dragging all that stuff along with her." I was even keeping to myself and still being put down for it. It’s taken me a very long time to shed this crap. I call it crap because that’s what it was. Crap. Someone else’s crap being projected onto me. My mom must had never been allowed to be herself either, because she was teaching me that crap. Teaching me to stuff it all down and hide my true self.
Throughout all my years in school, I was only interested and engaged in art. It was honestly the only subject matter that interested me. It was in one of my high school art classes that I was introduced to crystals. One of my teachers at the time, Miss Hall, brought some wire wrapped quartz crystals. You could wear them as pendants on a chain. I can’t remember exactly what she said to us when she presented them to us, but I was hooked. I do know that it was something to do with metaphysics and it all bordered on the realm of mystical and psychic phenomenon. I already owned a Oujia Board and I had always had this natural interest in things of a mystical nature. At the time, I did not realize it, but a seed was being planted by The Universe. Something came alive in me that day.
Over the years, the mystical realm knocked on my door repeatedly. Sometimes I would answer and sometimes I would not. When I allowed myself to indulge in my own interests, I would have some success with readings, remote viewing, or even channeling, then everyone would get freaked out. I would start pushing my interest in the metaphysics back out the front door again. I couldn’t handle all the stigma and teasing that came along with believing what I believed in. My ex-husband even told me that when I left him, he tried everything he could to get me committed to a mental institute for talking to dead people. Although unsuccessful at his attempts, this churned up fears of me ending up like my mom. My mom was hospitalized multiple times during her because of paranoid schizophrenia. So once again, my fears drew me back into hiding for another decade or so.
But no matter where I went or what I did, metaphysics kept popping back up again. It wouldn’t leave me alone. It wasn’t taking no for an answer. By this point, we all had world of knowledge in our hands in the form of a smartphone. I began reading and researching all things mystical. I told no one what I was reading about late at night. I secretly learned more and more about the Law of Attraction and creating your own reality. I was having a spiritual awakening and my whole life was crumbling down around me. Both of my parents died, I lost my job that I loved, I blew my parent’s inheritance, I lost my apartment, my husband left me, and I had another really big personal issue I was going through. All alone. I was ready to give up.
Even though I had given up on Spirit, it had not given up on me. I was sobbing on my parent’s grave asking God why he had taken them from me. I was scared, alone, I had no structure in my life, I had no siblings, no children, still just a few years out of drug rehab and had no sense of how to handle finances and blown all my parent’s money. I was broken and ready to die. I was ready to give up. To me, I had nothing left to live for. I exhausted myself crying on their snow covered graves and when I was finished, there was silence. A space was created in my mind. No thoughts at all. Just exhaustion from crying so hard and for so long. Then a Voice came that was so loud and clear that I looked all around the empty cemetery for someone who was speaking to me. There was only me. The Voice said,"If I would have not done things this way, you would have never come back to me. You have a purpose for living on without them.” Was this who I thought it was? Was God talking to me?? Little old me? It wasn’t just a voice, it was a feeling too. I felt different. It’s like the sadness washed away instantly. It was replaced with hope and faith. I had a real experience with God, Spirit, The Universe, my Higher Self, whatever you choose to call it.
I took a step forward and decided to be myself online if nowhere else. I started a blog all about the Law of Attraction and all things metaphysical. I immediately had some success. I got two articles published in a local Cincinnati magazine called the Whole Living Journal. Through a course of synchronistic events, I won a raffle drawing to contribute a story to an international best selling inspirational book called 365 Life Shifts. Because of that opportunity, I got to be a guest on a local radio show called Waves of a New Age, and I spoke in front of about 100 people at the event we held for the release of our book in April. Doors have begun to open for me since I started allowing my true self to surface.
I have found that if I just take one step at a time, The Universe will assist me on my path. I have written articles in exchange for energy healings reviewing the services so people can know what to expect when they go. That has been beneficial to both me and the folks offering the services. We are in the business of spreading the word about caring for your spiritual health as well as your mental, emotional, and physical well being. I’m here to say that all of those beliefs you have are real. Your voice matters. We just have to let go of our fears a little at a time, as we are ready, and just watch what unfolds for you. We must trust in The Universe. Today I can say that I have found my tribe online. I still get weird comments from some of my local friends and family, and I am okay with that. I AM that weird friend that believes in magic, and the assistance of The Universe. I believe we create our own reality with our beliefs and boundaries.
Just let yourself think on that for a few minutes. If that is the case, then we have unlimited freedom with what we can create in our lives. The only limits are the ones you set for yourself. Once you break down the walls of limiting beliefs, you are free. Begin believing that you can be who you want to be. Just stop doubting it and push through the resistance that keeps you where you are. This is the next stage in our evolution. Knowing that we are capable of anything. No more waiting for someone to come save you. The hero in your story is YOU.