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It's insidious; "Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects." It creeps up on you, and when you don't see the signs, it has a fickle way of making you become the person you never wanted to be. I believe I will be this way forever, and that stresses me out.
List. List. List. All I do is list. I lay in bed for at least an hour. I don't want to. I don't mean to, but it's involuntary. I have to do this. I need to get this for them. That email needs to be sent. When am I going to have time to clean the house. Am I actually going to the gym tomorrow? I need to lose weight. Where will I be in five years and will I still be here or will I have gotten my shit together? The sentences just go on and on, then after the whole list of things I feel like I must do or remind myself of, that's when the "planning" starts. A frequent one is, "Okay, if I save this much money, I will be able to get up to 3,000 dollars and then pay my credit card and my phone and maybe have some money to save for school or a beater car, or maybe just some money to go out with friends...oh wait...nevermind." I start planning and making strategies on how I can fix my life or just live a nice life in a couple years. Then I find myself at three at the morning, body tired, eyes closed but twitching, and brain wide awake, and screaming.
My hair started to fall out when I was a senior in high school, I gained about 40 pounds and felt numb to everything. I didn't hate. I was never angry. Just numb. Just going through the motions of each day. I didn't hate because I didn't know. I didn't know how these habits I was developing would just manifest into me becoming this work-aholic, lonely, angry, scared person.
I don't understand "relaxing." I feel bad doing it. I don't like sitting in one spot for hours and being "lazy." I can't watch TV for more than an hour. Movies—forget about it. After maybe a hour, I am completely thinking about something else or have left the room. My family members tell me how to relax. They tell me to just imagine myself on a beach or something so generic, to just think about nothing and breathe. I swear, that makes me so mad. Then they ask me, "Why? Why, Katie, are you so stressed? Calm down, you have nothing to be stressed about."
I love them, but kindly fuck off. I have nothing to be stressed about? People have it worse, with real problems? Oh trust me, if I could turn off this constant thinking, this constant bullshit on worrying about my family, my boyfriend, my boyfriend's family, my friends, and everyone that I work with not doing their job. It stresses me the fuck out. No one listens, no one cares, no one thinks ahead. It's pathetic. People are pathetic. I legitimately can say I hate people. Everyone says that they hate people, but honestly, I don't understand how someone can look you in the face and say they care, but when it comes time to care or help, they aren't around, or they are too tired or need a day off or can't come in because they'd rather be sitting on their ass "relaxing." Fuck you and fuck your "relaxation." You are an asshole. Fuck the fact that you see me busting my ass to make everyone happy and you patronize me saying, "Wow Katie, you know everyone can see you're a team player and really are a good person."
I in no way want to hear that shit anymore. I want people to fucking help. I want to see people go out of their way to help someone else. You stress me the fuck out.