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In analyzing situations, regrettably, by the process of deduction, I concluded that it all looked unfavorable. Thoughts of regular bills mounting, new bills surfacing weekly, questionable developments in health, lacking the wherewithal to provide assistance to loved ones who were in need and, the list goes on.
If one was experiencing these conditions at different times in the equation of life, then perhaps it would be more understandable but phenomenally this caught me all at once.
There are always hidden opportunities in uncertainty and scarcity of resources, so I thought. One may conclude that lacking individual creativity in the approach to life is one way that no positivity can be harnessed from difficult places. Compounding the problem is that, in certain situations, there is absolutely nothing one can do in spite of an appetite for change for the better.
After a thoughtful analysis of possible courses of action to make my physical and emotional states better, each time, I was enveloped by a sense of helplessness that was most undesirable and unacceptable, especially to a proactive individual like myself.
All I could do was wait for the opportunities for improvement to come and this was perplexing. Desperately needing another angle to view my life besides just being perplexed at my dilemma, I wanted to know if it was a conceptual problem I was experiencing.
As much as I tried to envision a better day, everything looked gray, twisted, upside down and inside out. If I was brutally honest, my conclusion was that it looked beyond hope.
I did not think that I was being overly ambitious; all I wanted was an immediate change, not to the various situations facing me, but simply a change in my perspective.
Then I realized then that I had temporarily lost hope in my perspective changing.
How could this happen to an eternal optimist, one who does not complain and always looks at the brighter side? However, there are very few times in my life where the glass is half full not half empty, silver lining to every dark cloud and hang in there, you will make it out is totally ineffective to move me and this is one of those times.
Even I had to consider, how could my life unfold this way? Not one promising development on the horizon to wince. I believe that I am not alone in deciding that hope is easier to grasp in certain situations as compared to others.
I decided that many would share my view and whether or not my individual experiences are relatable, everyone has challenges. Further, that hope is a rather hard sell is especially true if a particular unfavorable set of circumstances have been sustained for lengthy periods of time. After all, even a category five hurricane hits you and then it’s over.
I began to think when I had been, several years ago, in precarious financial situations, and remembered that I survived those particular events.
It was then, too, that I wondered when the bottom would finally fall out. I have lived long enough to know that the proverbial bottom never fell out for me. I decided it was the way I would redefine each time what the bottom falling out meant.
I adjusted practically to every situation and underlying each adjustment was my emotional ability to search in earnest daily for something to be grateful about. Each time I searched, I was successful in identifying reasons for gratefulness from every hard situation I experienced.
I remembered being in suspense in the intervening period of time between tests and results of each annual physical examinations’ corresponding tests. I trust that those not-yet-concluded medical situations will continue to turn out positively each time, but what is the sense of running into tomorrow with negative mind conjecture?
I resolved to deal with each medical situation as and when presented. How easily we can let things we cannot control get the better part of us! Fretting and worrying do not change what the reality is except to increase our susceptibility to sickness and anxiety.
How quickly we can run with the negative from uncertainty rather than hoping positively until it is settled! Looking at and beyond my present circumstances forced me to conclude that everything could be worse and that alone was a consolation.
I began to think about how I had made certain decisions about my character and how if I simply tweaked a few fundamental principles, for material reasons, then things might improve substantially.
I do think along these lines, and I am not proud to say that those thoughts cross my mind. I decided that, if the people that I love and want to help cannot be helped by me personally, then why agonize over my inadequacies at this juncture in my life? Surely, my loved ones would profit more in the long term by my integrity remaining intact.
I'm still struggling with shifting my perspective, not with the objective of idealistically glazing my lens with honey, but rather to make my perspective of life more manageable. It is not a simple task.
This is a confessional for a soul struggling with my fair share of challenges, but one who has persevered, nonetheless. That is the key to outlasting the struggles which do come and go.
One challenge surmounted makes room for the revelation of another, and this is the process of life. I realized that personal situations can change immediately for the better or worse or can take days, months or years to change the same way.
Whatever the timeline is for change to come, the plan will not change from sticking it out. Not divesting one’s self emotionally from the process of working towards a better day and time and expecting the occasional miracle, notwithstanding the temptation to be numb and indifferent, takes a lot of effort mentally.
One day, I trust that I will have the ability to eliminate doubt about health, money, and relationships. In the meantime, I shall have to trust that everything is part of a puzzle that will eventually translate into a better place for me and those that I love.