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Life After Death

11/9/2017

It's a part of life for people to die. No matter how much they are loved, no matter how much they are needed, it will still happen. I personally hate this fact. 

When someone dies, no matter the cause, it leaves sadness, depression, and anger behind. I know this better than most. In a lifetime, it is normal to lose grandparents and others that have lived a full life. But in my experience, the young die just as much. I have been alive for 23 years. In that time I have lost friends, brothers, a grandmother, and others I was close to. They all left me with regret, sadness, and wishes that it was different, and despite what everyone told me, nothing helped. It didn't help to think they were in a better place, it didn't help to hear how much they had done in their life, and it didn't help to be told that it was OK to miss them. 

Some people say it's better to lose someone from a quick death, one you didn't see coming because of the lack of suffering with it. Let me tell you, yes, there was less suffering for the one that died, but for the people left behind without being able to say goodbye, this is not better. The amount of suffering added is unmeasurable. 

The hardest part in my opinion, is to remember to live your life afterwards. When I lost my brother and friends, it was really hard to go about life knowing they weren't there. It felt like I was in some way being disrespectful to their memory going about my life like they were never there with me. It turned special events like my wedding, the birth of my kids, and birthdays that you look forward to your entire life into sad events because they aren't there. At first I felt that like my life ended with theirs. Then I felt like I was a horrible person for throwing away the life I have when they can't have one. It left me confused and more depressed than I was originally. 

Although I still struggle with this and probably always will, there are times when something happens or I accomplish something where I get this feeling of peace knowing that they would be happy for me or proud of me. To this day I miss them and think about them, and although it may sound psychotic to some of you, sometimes I just have to stop everything and talk to them as if they are still here with me. 

Losing somebody changes everything. It changes who you are down to your soul, whether that's for the best or worst and when it comes down to it, it won't matter what anyone says to you or how anyone expects you to act. You will decide on your own who you will be after that, you will fight like hell to figure out how to go forward. Personally, there were a lot of times that I didn't want to go forward, and I am sure some of you reading this have either felt like that in the past or currently feel like that. I am not going to tell you it gets easier with time. I heard that a lot, so trust me, you won't hear me say it. 

However, let me tell you this. It all comes down to a decision. A decision to have your life end with theirs or to live the life they would have wanted for you. And please keep in mind, this is not me telling you that ending your life is ever the right choice... Remember what we discussed earlier about the feelings left behind from death. Just as your loved one left you feeling that way, you will leave people feeling that way too. 

It's not easy. The feelings, the decisions, the pain, and suffering. It hits all of us and leaves us grasping for some solution. I am still grasping for that solution as the death toll continues to rise. I will miss and love my deceased friends and family until I am deceased myself. But after it all, I hope that I have made them all proud in some way. 

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Life After Death
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