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Being an adult sucks, I call bullsh*t on the whole thing. It's hard, it's boring and it's really freaking expensive! And nobody even tells you if you are doing it right or not. You just muddle along like a moron, screwing everything up.
So, how are you supposed to know what to do when it comes to the world of adulting? Well, there are a few things that will guarantee you entry into this most depressing of clubs.
To be an adult, you need to:
I think I take this stuff so much it has now become a staple food in my house. I don't think you can be a proper adult without taking some form of non prescribed painkiller on a regular basis. And do you know why we do this? Because being an adult is painful, things hurt when you get older, there's no real reason for it, but if nothing hurts, you're not an adult, you're a child.
Chris Rock got it right when he said that insurance should be called, "in case sh*t happens I give you money, so if sh*t doesn't happen, shouldn't I get my money back?" But sadly, no, even if sh*t does happen, the chances are you aren't getting a penny back, but you still have to insure pretty much everything you have, just in case.
Have the Tea or Coffee Debate
This one mainly applies to British people, but in other parts of the world, people still manage to berate each other for the way in which they drink the same drink! I take two sugars and a little bit of milk, my mum says that's not coffee, I say shut up and drink yours (not to her face).
But, here in Britain, fully grown adults with jobs and even families can still get really angry about the fact that someone likes a different drink or more sugar than they do.
Let's all just drink up and admit we are only having tea or coffee, because drinking rum at work is frowned upon.
Notice Really Boring Stuff
And, I mean really boring. Like, you could be watching a horror movie or TV series and suddenly you might notice that the people have a really unusual radiator, and yes this did happen when I was watching Kiri on channel 4.
When you become an adult, you notice things a young person wouldn't even give a second thought to. I noticed that I liked a certain kind of brick on a building recently. How freaking dull is that?
Have Nice Mugs
If you want to be a proper adult, and I mean really grown up and all that, you need nice mugs, or at least plain guest mugs. Giving the person who has come to fix your boiler a Crunchie mug from 15 Easters ago is not the behaviour of a proper grown up adult.
Know That You Can Do What You Want... Within Reason
But you probably shouldn't do it. I mean, you can have chocolate for breakfast, you're an adult, who's going to stop you? But being an adult is knowing you can have chocolate for breakfast, but you probably shouldn't because it won't fill you up and you're "being good" this week.
Young people don't get heartburn, only adults get heartburn. So if you want to be a real life adult, you have to have heartburn at least once a fortnight. You also have to keep heartburn remedies with you at all times, because adults get heartburn, but at least they are prepared for it.
Realize That If Something Is Fun...
You probably shouldn't be doing it, because it is probably expensive, unhealthy or dangerous. And the fun stuff is probably going to make you late for something horrendous, like a cervical screening or a prostate exam.
If you don't have a bag full of bags of various sizes and thicknesses, are you even an adult? You are an adult when you have these bags, but when you go into the supermarket and forget to bring them, then and only then do you become a grown up.
Keep Something Alive
Whether it is a baby, a pet or even a plant, keeping something alive, remembering to feed and water, it is all part of adult daily life.
Have a Meltdown Every Now and Then
But don't worry about it. Everyone does it, it's just that most people won't admit to it, because they want to act as though they have everything all figured out. They don't. Nobody has got it all figured out, we're all messing things up, just in different ways.
Stop Liking Snow
I know, adults are heartless monsters with no sense of fun, but if you want to be an honest to god adult, you have to moan and complain about the snow and how it is going to take you forever to get to work, all the while secretly wishing you could go and play in it.
There, You're Now Officially an Adult
You wanted it so much, you got it, don't say we didn't warn you. Good luck with genital exams and remember to test batteries in your smoke alarm.