Holy Crap I'm 40: Sagging Edition

This piece is for mature audiences only-viewer discretion is advised (it has the word "boobs" in it).

Holy Crap I'm 40: Sagging Edition

I am writing this one right after turning 40. The reality has set in. This is it. I am not going to anymore sweet 16's, unless my sons decide that they want to have one. I will not be making out with my high school boyfriend anymore, for many reasons. One of which being husband #1(still my current husband) will probably be very upset. And I will not be sobbing on the floor of my childhood room, listening to Rick Springfield albums, well, maybe I will still be doing that from time to time.

But the big thing about getting older is what it does to your body. Every. Single. Part. Of . It.




Does 40 make you tired?

Does 40 make you tired?

When I wake up in the morning, I still think that I am 16. Unfortunately, when I see my reflection in mirrors elsewhere, I am one tired, graying, sorry looking broad. And there isn't a thing I can do about it. I go to sleep early, and wake up in the middle of the night without the ability to fall back asleep, it is really and truly pathetic. I would love to go out at night, but know that, unfortunately, I cannot in good conscience, make it up past 11... and that is pushing it.

If sagging is a part of life. Then why are bras so expensive?

If sagging is a part of life. Then why are bras so expensive?

Some friends of mine were having a discussion about boobs. (Where did that come from?? Anything is fair game at 40, apparently). Fashion designers seem to favor women with smaller boobs and then those women (of course) look better in their clothes. Now, my mantra for the past few years has been, "I don't care how big they are, as long as they are healthy." Being a mom of boys I have always been careful what I wear around the house because, let's be honest, they do hang low and they do wobble too and fro and no one needs to be seeing that. Where do they end and my stomach begins?? Oh my...

When I was younger, I remember my sister reading me a test from one of her magazines–Mademoiselle, Glamour... I don't remember which one (though I do remember that i wasn't allowed to touch the magazine. The fact that she let me into her room at all was quite the little miracle so I just stood and followed the instructions she gave me.) I could not have been older than 13 at the time and the the two of us took the "boob test." According to this scientific article, if you place a pencil underneath your boob and it fell to the floor, you were perky and in great shape. I was so happy when that pencil fell to the floor. And now, just a few weeks past 40, I could hide one of those Costco size packages of crayons under there and they would stay safe and sound and warm. Ya, no more passing the perky test. But, i am a HUGE fan of the underwire. (Huge, no pun intended).

This getting old thing, everything heads downward, your hair falls out, creases form, you try to stand up straight but there are things on your body pulling you down down down. You try to keep smiling you so don't get frown lines, but then you develop wrinkles from smiling. Your neck starts heading down, and the list goes on and on and on...

Just be grateful

Just be grateful

But, what is the alternative? I might be saggy, but i saved husband #1 thousands of dollars on baby formula by doing it the natural way (ugg too much information. When will she stop? MAKE HER STOP...). I will take each day as it comes and embrace the gift of having that day... I will smile at strangers and say good morning, even when they look at me like the crazy person that I am... And I will thank god for all of the miracles in my life... And wear supportive undergarments... Amen.

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Holy Crap I'm 40: Sagging Edition
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