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With my parents, I try to maintain a neutral stance. I feel nothing, not too much anger, or too much happiness. I try to maintain a neutral headspace. I do feel anger at them for not getting enough income from them for basics, but the thing is, I need to remain neutral, feeling nothing, not positive nor negative, only to make sure that I do not give them a rise, as I’m a vampire victim. Zen meditation practices can offer a sense of neutrality for me given that I learned detachment long enough to not allow my parents' nonsense to infect me.
Neutrality is a chore sometimes but it must be done. I can get into Zen when craving cookies, sweets, or alcohol. Neutrality is a gift that makes the person using it able to take away the stick of confrontation that they are being threatened with. If the Zen master says, "if you do this, I hit you, if you do that, I hit you, there are no other options," the option that remains is to take away the stick. Neutrality means you are not hot and bothered by intense emotion. You see: I have a very level head when it comes to everything. I do not overreact too much to anything.
My biggest frustration is my lack of a job not necessarily due to my parent’s fault but their negativity toward me is certainly a contributing factor. You see, they are the ones who cannot get themselves help for their mental health. I swear I’m dealing with two teenagers on my hands with similar teenage mood swings to that of somebody in that age group. I know I’m fed up with their conflicts. So I’m going to try to escape from Thanksgiving. I do not need to be in a place where I’m disrespected.
Neutrality means I feel nothing, not positive, not negative, and nobody feeds when I’m neutral. When I am Zen neutral, in the zone, as well as relaxed, I manage to not be fed off of. They want strong emotion to feel yummy to the Ferengi (my family), but the thing is, I’m not giving away my energy as I have the Healer’s Syndrome really bad, and would like compassion to be returned to me. I’m done giving away my energy to people who do not thank me for it.
I’m past done at this point. Emotional neutrality is easy to maintain along with a Vulcan-like façade. I’m good at not showing emotions these days because of my medication making me feel normal, without so much anxiety. You see, I spent my whole childhood anxious and scared to death. It has had adverse effects on the way my brain functions in the present. This is only because I was missing knowing about my own emotions while growing up. I was taught that emotions don’t matter, hence the way I try to maintain neutrality. Sure, my counselor thought it was a lost cause. But well, I have family that refuses to help me financially, and that alone is enough to stress me out.
I want to say good things about them but really, I have trouble finding that about them. I’m embittered at not having enough income for example. I have to remain neutral, however, since they thrive on extreme emotions. For anybody dealing with negative influences from another person, neutrality is the best way of coping with that. It means that you do not feel extremes of emotion despite the other person or the aggressor wanting you to feel way too much.