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Chronic Pain isn't real! It's ALL in your HEAD!
Can you believe that my doctor wrote in my medical report that I was "faking" or "exaggerating" my pain to get compensation!?
YUP! That's right! My OWN family doctor WHO I had since birth wrote this in his report, which luckily came in AFTER I settled! But you bet your ASS I was PISSED! Why!? Because I was in NO FUCKING WAY faking my goddamn pain!
For the past 6.5 years, I have struggled with MAJOR depression as well as chronic pain! And for a medical professional to give a biased opinion like that is APPALLING!
The first year was THE HARDEST year! I was in an MVA where I was rear-ended while driving home in July 2012. I was stopped at a light and JUST before I went to take my foot off the break and put it on the gas to go, BAM! He hit me, full speed! And ever since then, my life hasn't been the same. I had been in a few other accidents before this one—one of them was even a roll over—and it was the rear-ender that really fucked me up!
July 2012-July 2013 was a year of FUCKING hell! I wanted to DIE! WHY!? Because I felt so fucking miserable. I was in pain EVERYDAY! I was a miserable, cranky bitch and felt like what was the purpose of life IF I had to feel the way I did; I was nauseous, lightheaded, foggy-headed, depressed, angry, I was a COMPLETE BITCH! During that year, I had seen my doctor AT LEAST once a month & you know what, he didn't fucking take me seriously!! He just gave me pain killers, prescribed a few different things and didn't really actually even LISTEN to my CRY for help! Do you have ANY GODDAMN idea what that feels like?! Do you have ANY idea how much I struggled? He kept telling me I needed to see all these different specialists BUT that NONE of them would see me, or that there were no doctors available for MONTHS! This is the doctor I confided in and that I trusted with my health, my life!—AS SOON as I settled with ICBC, I found a new family doctor.
You're probably thinking that I am an idiot for still seeing him as my doctor if he treated me this way! I settled in Dec 2015. So from July 2012- December 2015, I still saw him as my main family doctor and here's why. First of all, it doesn't look good to the insurance company when you switch doctors during a MVA claim because it can be made to look like you switched because you didn't like the doctor's opinion, which can open a whole new can of worms that I didn't want to deal with. So I stuck it out. I debated reporting him to the College of Physicians because he DID NOT take care of me the way he should have as a medical professional.
Throughout the first year, I went to the concussion clinic, Jim Pattison Outpatient Clinic where they have a pain clinic, the hospital to confirm I did in fact a concussion, which led me to the concussion clinic! BTW, did you know you ONLY get a concussion IF you actually HIT your head!? Yup, that's what my idiot doctor told me. YET, that's complete BULLSHIT! If you have an uncontrolled head movement (ie. whiplash), you can sustain a concussion. But according to my outstanding doctor, that's not true. YET there is evidence that it is. Like FUCK MY LIFE! Ugh just talking about him makes my blood boil!
Anyways, after a year of bullshit, tears, screaming, crying, anger, frustration, and negative suicidal thoughts, my husband who worked in a hospital got me a referral to see the outpatient psychiatrist. It took two weeks from the time of talking to the doctor to seeing the psychiatrist, YET my stupid doctor told me there were NO psychiatrists that would see me! Ugh!
Anyways, I went to the appointment and expressed just how I was feeling. I had MANY MANY suicidal thoughts. I was so depressed by this point that this is WHY my husband reacted out. My ICBC adjuster told me that I should just go to the hospital and tell them I am feeling suicidal. Are you fucking kidding me? I was so terrified of losing my kids and being labeled as "crazy" that I just decided to suffer and try to deal with it on my own! I never actually tried to commit, BUT there were times when I was doing dishes and I'd wash a knife and think, "DO IT! It'll make all the pain go away." I did cut myself once. I was washing a cup with a crack and thought if I push just hard enough it might break and cut me. Well, it did and then I felt REALLY stupid afterwards. It hurt and I didn't like it, which I believe it a good thing because I knew I didn't want to feel that pain!
I suffered an entire year of stress and depression. I am TRULY blessed to have an amazing husband (then fiance), two amazing children, and an amazing family who was there when I needed them. The ONE person I KNEW I could always talk to, my grandpa, was ALWAYS there to talk when I needed him. But it was my husband and my kids who saw me LITERALLY at my WORST! And I am truly blessed that they were there because they are what kept me going. Truth be told, I could not leave my kids without a mom and they are what kept me fighting EVERY SINGLE DAY, even when I felt like I couldn't go on.
FINALLY after seeing the Psychiatrist, he sent a report to my "outstanding" doctor who then made me fill out a questionnaire to see if I was depressed! Like are you kidding me!? Anyways, he FINALLY acknowledged that I was SEVERELY depressed and he put my on antidepressants to help me.
Over the course of the years from July 2013 - Present I have been taking antidepressants. For 5-ish years I was on 300mg of Effexor everyday. This past summer, I had a major anxiety attack. I was at work and I went outside to water the plants and BAM it hit me. All I could think about was DEATH! And I am TERRIFIED of dying! For a week or so, I cried EVERYDAY! I tried to keep myself busy and occupy my brain, but it's ALL I could think about.
I went to the doctors and told her that I think it was time to wean off my antidepressants because I didn't feel like they were working as they should. I told her that I had tried to wean two times in the past few years and I couldn't handle the withdrawal. I asked to supplement with another antidepressant to help me wean. I was put on 25mg of Sertraline. I am now on 37.5mg of Effexor and will finish my last few pills this week, which I am excited about. If you forget to take them, the withdrawal is BRUTAL, so I am glad to be almost done with them. As for the Sertraline, I will see the doctor to wean off of them and look to go with a more natural supplement.
Since weaning, I have started to feel better since my anxiety attack, although it wasn't just because of the meds; I found out I had low iron. The optimal level for iron is 50+... My levels were at 14! YIKES! I was exhausted on top of everything else. After getting my blood taken and feeling like my GP's didn't really seem to care about my health because they told me I could take an iron supplement IF I wanted to... But my iron wasn't that low, so I didn't need to worry; that's when I started seeing a naturopath—BEST DECISION I EVER MADE!
Since seeing the naturopath, I have discovered why I am so tired all of the time and have little to no energy. Not only was my Iron low, but my hormone levels are low, my thyroid is now at an optimal level (it's not near needing medications, but I need to bring it up). I have started taking more natural supplements to help with these levels to bring them up to where they should be for optimal health. It's CRAZY how things like this can cause our bodies to be so out of whack. It makes sense, but we don't think there is anything wrong, we're just "tired." The fact that my naturopath is there to look out for my best interest and help me is what makes me happy! I'll see my GP if I have to, but ideally I prefer to see the naturopath!—If you are ever worried about your health and feel like your GP isn't listening to you, seriously go see a naturopath! The money you pay is worth it to help you better your health. It's even better if you have benefits!
Anyways, today I tried to record a video on depression and I just feel like I can't get out what I want to say properly. I either ramble or it just doesn't come out right, which is why I decided to write this!
Over the last few days I have started to feel sad. LIFE has a way of throwing lemons at us and causing unnecessary stress. Overall I have been quite happy and I am able to cope with my depression, anxiety and stress quite well, but for the past few days I just feel really low. Maybe it's the weather, or just things that come up out of the blue that stress us out. Financially everyone is struggling and this is something that REALLY weighs on me! I want to do my best to provide for my kids and I feel like I am starting to fail in that aspect. We live in a POS house and trying to find anything we can afford is nearly IMPOSSIBLE because it's so fucking expensive in Vancouver. We do have money for a down payment and let's get real, we can't really afford to buy what our family needs... We have a roof over our heads though, so that is something to be thankful for. When my kid tells me though that his friends make comments about how shitty our house looks, it makes you feel pretty shitty. Most people that I know live in nice looking houses and I just wish we could afford more.
I am trying so hard to build my online business but feel like I don't have what it takes to be successful. I feel like no matter how hard I try, it's not good enough. I HATE doing live videos because I feel like I just ramble and feel like what I have to say isn't good enough. I won't give up, though. One day I will buy a house, have enough money to travel, and live the life I have always dream' of!
Anyways, for a few days this week when I felt low, I had negative thoughts. The stress of life made me feel like I'd either want the bang my head against a wall or crash my car into a pole. And let's be honest, everyone has negative thoughts. I even told my naturopath that I have these thoughts once in a while. She agreed that it's normal. And it is. Maybe we don't all have the exact same negative thoughts, but we all have them. It's a part of life.
LIFE IS NOT PERFECT! We have good days and we have bad days. I WANT TO STRESS that I am in NO way going to harm myself in ANYWAY and this is NOT a cry for help and I DO NOT need help. I know how to deal with these feelings and these thoughts. Going to the pain clinic, I learned how to deal with and cope with it. IF for any reason I felt like I was going to act on any of my negative thoughts, I would tell someone immediately. I have the will power and the strength to get over come this. I know this because I have been fighting this battle for the past 6 years.
Do you know what really bothers me, more than my thoughts? My chronic pain. I was doing so well for so long and was coping quite well with little to no pain and then recently it's all come back. The dizziness, the foggy-headed feeling, the nausea and the pain are what REALLY bother me! More then anything the pain is what gets me because it can be quite debilitating. Lately, I have found myself being more lazy, tired, wanting to have hot baths and then lay in bed and sleep. I find myself taking Advil and Tylenol to help with the pain and the discomfort! I have my first cupping massage in two weeks and I cannot wait!! I can't stand regular massages because it actually hurts! To some, that might sound stupid, but I can't handle to pain of my muscles being pushed on.
I am really trying to better myself; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am not sharing my story because I want help or sympathy or anything like that. I am sharing my story because there are SO many people out there going through the same thing. And I want to share that what you are feeling is perfectly NORMAL! The difference is in how you deal with it. I don't drink or do drugs so I have had to find other ways to cope; not that drinking or doing drugs is the answer, but for some people it is. I have tried meditation and breathing exercises and find that when I use them, they help me so much.
In the last few years the world has lost so many amazing people due to mental illness. It's sad that people can't talk about their problems because they are afraid of what others might think. The truth is, we're all human and we are all on this Earth together and we should be able to talk about what's bothering us without being judged or made to feel like we're crazy or that it's just all in our heads!
At this point of my "depression," I am completely able to handle whatever is thrown at me. I often have to remind myself that things will get better and that these thoughts and feelings are temporary. Sure they come back every once in a while, BUT you just need to find the right tools to help you cope. There are TONS of resources online, there are apps you can download or videos you can look up online for meditation.
As mentioned I am truly blessed to have an amazing support system, which is what has helped me keep fighting and striving to be a better person. I know that not everyone has the same support and oftentimes even when you have support you may feel alone; that's not true. There is ALWAYS someone who is willing to listen. I think it helps when you have the option to talk to people who have or are going through the same things are you!
I am living proof that you can overcome depression! Don't be afraid to speak out, don't be afraid to share you thoughts, struggled and difficulties with life. There is ALWAYS someone willing to listen. There are also a lot of support groups on Facebook.
I am also here to lend an ear. I can be reached by email at [email protected] if you are experiencing some of the same struggles.
Together we can change the world! xoxo