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I've almost made it through another day. I worked around the house like everything was okay. But it's not, and this mask is peeling. I may smile, but I'm not okay. Inside me is a war I can hardly describe. There is a part of me that wants to live and another side that tempts me with the idea of dying. I have no plan or desire for execution so suicidal does not truly describe my state of mind. The flashes of what I could do to myself keep me deeply depressed. and the pain that I feel is almost too much to bear.
This depression has me dreading that my daughters are coming home, even though I have missed them so much while they were on a trip with their father. This only serves to depress me more. I should be happy, I should be ecstatic to see my little girls, but not like this. The mask is coming off and soon they will have to see what is underneath. I'd hate for anyone to see that. The dark, dreary thoughts that lurk in the corners of my mind are now out in plain view and playing with each other. My demons are no longer tucked away nicely in the corners of my mind. They have full range, and it is terrifying.
Most of the time I can keep these inner demons at bay. I'm not too fond of the terminology 'demons,' as it seems like some sort of angel can help me. I'm not sure one can. I'm not a religious person but I believe those who leave us become our own little guardian angels. My grandpa, grandma, Sherry and most recently, my mom, are with me and fighting this battle with me. They keep me from taking that next step. They keep a thought from becoming an action.
I try to inject positivity, I try to be happy. These inner demons only seem to gain strength when I lock them inside the corners of my mind. When they come out, they take over. It’s almost as if I should acknowledge them on a daily basis just to let them know I am aware of their existence and that there is no need to wage war on my thoughts. Delve into the darkness just enough to satisfy their needs and maybe, just maybe, they won’t take over. That is not an easy thing to do though, and it is a very dangerous game to play.
Still, I play it, even when the dark veil of depression is not over me at that particular moment. I recall the times when I have been tempted to end my life. I recall the feeling that overtook me at that time. I dive into those memories just long enough to satisfy those demons. I think of my gratitude that nothing has ever happened and that I’m still here. I’m still breathing. My girls still have a mom. My boyfriend still has a girlfriend. I still have my life.
Depression makes me feel like I am drowning. It makes it feel impossible to do anything. It makes me feel like dying. It makes me feel like there is no other option. I know this won't last, but it is just so unbearable. I fight for my happiness. I fight this horrible illness that controls my thoughts. I try to relinquish control, but it just won't let me. My inner demons want me to come play and I must fight as hard as I can to not let them win. Positive thoughts aren’t easy to come by, and I find it harder and harder to find them. That's why I need my angels to help win the war. I can't do it alone, and I'm so tired.
Julia Brennan - Inner Demons
This song is a perfect explanation of what it's like to fight these inner demons and why we need our angels to help.