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A Glimpse into Chronic Insomnia

It hurts to be alive today.

Living with chronic insomnia can be torturous. It is an emotionally numbing yet simultaneously neurotic existence that can be physically painful,

You lie in bed with your softest blanket, the room smelling good. Your pillows are cold and just about right, and everything is pitch dark, but it has been two hours already.

You think, "Damn, I could have done something useful in these two hours. But no matter. I’ll fall asleep soon."

It feels like you would feel better if you sleep on your right side. So you turn.

Then you start closing your eyes. You’re tired but your lids are resisting. You force them to close, try to convince yourself that you are sleepy, and pray to God it will work just this time.

Normally, I would slip into sleep while thinking. I let my thoughts flow without restrictions, detached from reality. Soon it became a dream. I sometimes would notice “ah, it’s a dream!” before I pass out.

So you let your thoughts flow… You let the images flash while trying not to think. But it feels wrong. The images are too real, too vivid, too coherent. Soon you realize that you aren't slipping into the dream world, and it's just the harsh reality world.

Then you just want to cry out loud with your tearing eyes. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SLEEP!

Now imagine you've woken up, brushed your teeth, and had your morning coffee. You are not in any way tired. Great, now try to fall asleep. Pretty difficult, am I right?

Imagine trying to fall asleep is even more difficult than that, except you actually feel tired. In fact, you feel ridiculously exhausted because you haven't slept properly all week and it's already 2AM!!

Being an insomniac is utter torture, the vicious cycle repeats itself over and over, and you can’t stop falling into it. Last night alone I woke up at least a dozen times, my bed being ever so comfy when there’s work to be done during the day, and it becomes a pit of sharp and uncomfortable pile of bricks by night.

Overall the experience of being an insomniac is quite terrible: you feel guilty for failing to do what normal people can do regularly, you feel anxious and depressed, you know you aren't functioning at your best, you are frustrated at your lack of self-control, you go through mood swings and manic episodes, and you can be quite irritable and touchy. One is afflicted with a pervasive sense of being out of control when it comes to their social or productive life and the sense that they are becoming a full-blown psychotic.

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A Glimpse into Chronic Insomnia
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