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If you were to ask me as a teenager what I would be doing at the fine age of 34, I am pretty sure my current situation wouldn't be it. Not that I don't love my life now, because I do, I really do, but I most likely pictured myself living in a dope ass New York City loft, wearing Gucci head to toe, and designing clothes and saying things like, "right on top of that Rose". If you don't know what movie I am referring to then you are probably too young to even be reading this article. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead people, come on! However, like I said I never saw myself living in central Jersey burbs, chasing around two kids who I love and despise more than anything in the world, still rocking colored hair (purple currently) and a wardrobe mostly full of "active wear". Side note, "active wear" is now the cool word for yoga pants and tank tops with motivational sayings like, Gym Hair Don't Care. Ugh! Aside from the aesthetic version of the now me, I also didn't think I would still be this big of a child. Dancing in my living room like I am god damn Brittney Spears, curing hangovers with 3 Advil and Coca Cola, and begging my kids to build tents with me. I know all adults must give into their inner child now and again, but I think something may be wrong me. It's like my body, common sense, and patience grew up but deep down I am still 17-years-old with 8-year-old tantrums. Here are 30 things I am still doing in my thirties. I am hoping most of you can check a few off yourselves.
Car dancing. There is car dancing and then there is hardcore car dance choreography. I do the latter and yes it includes loud singing and sexy eyes. If this were a competitive sport I would be a national champion.
Laugh at farts. That's right, whether it's from my husband's ass or my kids, I still find a good fart really freaking funny.
Claim I don't fart. Remember when you were dating and all girls claimed they didn't pass gas or poop? Well I am still trying to stick to that giant white lie. But every now and again I fail miserably. (Major embarrassed face right now).
Scared of the authorities. Yup, even when I'm driving my three row SUV with a car covered in Cheerios and other weird sticky substances, if I see a popo roll up behind me I get all sorts of nervous. Flashbacks to when my water bottle was really vodka and the lump in my bra was really a dime of weed.
Roll my eyes at little hoochies. I thought I would have a high tolerance to girls wearing slutty clothing just because that's how I dressed at 18, but nope. Whenever I see a young lady walking around with her ass cheeks hanging out of shorts I cringe inside, roll my eyes, and usually slap my husband upside the head.
Secretly eat cookie dough. I thought I would be comfortable enough to eat cookie dough out of my own fridge in my own home, but for some reason I still feel the need to binge eat in the kitchen late at night with all the lights off.
Take shots. No explanation needed I just still really like taking shots and partying, blame it on my genetics.
Drink till I puke. This goes hand and hand with my previous habit but I really didn't see myself waking up on the floor next to my toilet cursing the floor for spinning.
Build forts. There is something about building forts that still really gets my insides all excited.
Play dolls. Luckily for my daughter I totally cool with dressing up Barbies, doing their hair, and playing fashion show.
Play the “If I won the lottery” game. When I was younger I would take my notebook and legit write out who would get what if I were to win the lottery. I still love to do this and the first thing on my lottery list hasn't changed and that is taking all my friends on a private cruise around the world. Ha!
Think boy parts are gross. You would think after so many years I would learn to appreciate the male anatomy but there is just something about a man's twig and berries I will never find cute.
Dislike veggies. I assumed my taste for veggies would come with age. It hasn't and I still don't like them.
SLEEP. I have always loved to sleep late and maybe now since I can't thanks to two early bird children, I long for it, crave it, and cry over it.
Check in with my mom. No matter if it's a road trip or flight across the globe, when I arrive somewhere safely I must and will always call my mommy.
Get the munchies. I always knew I would occasionally partake in marijuana activities, but I didn't see myself eating weed gummies and baking a frozen pizza an hour later. By myself.
Be a sore loser. Aren't you supposed to grow out of this? Well I didn't so if you want to play a game with me be prepared for a super loud, excited, and annoying competitor.
Stalk ex boyfriends. Even though I haven't had an ex boyfriend in 9 years, I still like to check what their up to and perhaps going as far as learning their wives history and the names of their children.
Not like to wash my face. Thank God that I have babies for the simple fact of having baby wipes in every bathroom, because I still hate to wash my face before bed.
Have dance parties. There is nothing better than closing the shades, blasting the music, and dancing like a Rhianna back up dancer. Best part is now I have an audience of two who both think I am the best dancer ever.
Fake a phone call. I used to fake phone calls in college whether it be because I was scared or just ducking a professor and not much has changed. Picking up my son from elementary school is the best place to have an imaginary phone call with my "friend" to avoid some of the crazy mom I have no desire to talk to.
LIE. I don't know why or when I lie but I know I still do and I'm pretty good at it.
Burp. There are girls that inner burp and then there are girls who can burp on demand. I not only can on demand but I can also say your name while I do it. Classy!
Like vampires. I know I shouldn't like teenage sci-fi fantasy crap but man if I could leave my husband for Edward Cullen or werewolf Jacob I would.
Care about my birthday. I've always celebrated my birthday for a week, sometimes two, and you would imagine that since I am getting older I would no longer enjoy birthdays. WRONG! I still love to tell everyone it's my day, throw a party, and make people sing to me.
Believe in ghosts. I always felt I had a connection with the other side thanks to my Ouji board and spell books as a child and not much has changed. If anything my belief of a life after death and being surrounded by spirits is greater now than ever.
Get more tattoos. I got my first tattoo when I was 15-years-old. Last month I got my 18th and still have plans for 2 more. I am still sorry mom.
Like boy bands. I will admit my knowledge of current boy bands has lessened quite dramatically but my inner teenager can still go nuts over a cheeseball song sung by 4 boys.
Talk smack. You would assume a grown woman wouldn't love to gossip and talk smack as much as a school girl. Well guess what, she does!! Sorry bitches.
Make new friends. I never thought moving to a new town would be like switching to a new school. You still have to scope out the cool kids, show them you are cool too, and then ask them to hangout like a total dork.
Be THIS cool. Contrary to what I said in my opening about my wardrobe and daily life duties, I still am one of the coolest mofo's around and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I can see a "coolest mom on the block" award in my very near future.